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Ms. Donna's Pine Cone and Evergreen Needles Tattoo
Ms. Donna's Twin Flowers Tattoo
4 clock ticks
“It’s past time to broaden the narrative” (said by Sequana Murray)
Intro Music
Introduction: Hello and welcome to another episode of Broadening the Narrative. This is a podcast where I talk to some of my favorite people who have broadened the narrative for me. I'm your host, Nicki Pappas, and I'm so glad you're here.
Transition Music
First Segment
Nicki: On today's episode, I am talking with one of the most amazing people I know, Donna Powell. Ms. Donna will share about her journey through suffering in various ways as well as how she now differently understands that everything comes down to love. Before we begin, I just want to say that Ms. Donna is one of my favorite people because for over a decade she has blessed me and my family and countless others with her presence, wisdom, and love. Thank you for coming onto the podcast, Ms. Donna.
Donna: Thank you very much for asking me. It’s an honor. It’s a pleasure to be here.
Nicki: Well I’ll let the listeners know that I sent questions out to Ms. Donna ahead of time, and she has prepared her answers and will be reading them to share with us. So, we’ll begin. Can you tell us a little about yourself and your background, Ms. Donna?
Donna: My name is Donna Powell. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer on September 26, 2016. On that day, after being told the news, I was completely calm, resolved, and joyful. I remember walking out to my car, just wanting to talk to God. I didn’t cry at all. I just began to pray, not to be healed, but to do this cancer journey well. I wasn't in denial. I completely embraced this new season of my life. My question was never, “Why me?” My thought was always, “Why not me?” I instinctively knew I was going to meet and know more of my God through this process. I was excited more than any other emotion. I was finally feeling joy, real joy. It was not in my mind, body, or soul to see to the final outcome. That was none of my business. Here’s a little family background. I was married, and I have 6 children. My husband passed away less than a year of my diagnosis, from cardiac arrest. He had been diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia. My 25-year-old son passed away in 2014, due to a tragic accident. I have an 11-year-old granddaughter diagnosed with autism and her sister was born at 15 ounces. I have another granddaughter that was born with Trisomy 13, an illness deemed incompatible with life. All this to say, my life is eventful. By the way, all these young children are alive and well and leading full and beautiful lives. I feel that my story really began on September 14, 2014. That was the day - sorry.
Nicki: No it’s ok. Take your time.
Donna: That was the day my beautiful 25-year-old son left this planet. I was completely gutted. Everything about me was in pieces. I was no more. The person I was was gone, instantly. The agony I felt had no words. The pain in my head and heart - The pain in my head and heart were killing me from the inside out. Day after day it became deeper and darker to remain living. What was the point? I felt I no longer had a useful place on the planet. It wasn't rational, but to me the whole situation was unreasonable. I now saw my life as wasted and a complete devastation. I occasionally tried to see my usefulness in life, but it always ended in the question, “Why am I here? I no longer want to be here. It's ugly and painful.” I always wanted to make a difference, but now I felt that lives that met with mine were not benefiting or changed for the better because I existed. I begged every day for God to get me out of here. I was done living. I poured 25 years of love, tears, and prayers over that exceptional human being. He was unique beyond words and levels ahead of everyone in our family. He was the third youngest of our family of eight, but we were learning so much from him. He was kind, sensitive, educated, loving, fatherly, dedicated, loyal, artistic, joyful, patient, adventurous, risky, tolerant, quiet, fun, spiritual, creatively skillful, and respectful. I could fill this page with adjectives that describe him well. He really was quite a unique and wonderful human being. He was a good husband, father, brother, nephew, cousin, and friend. He was an exceptional son. He never said a harsh word to me and was never disrespectful. I feel like he truly honored me in the way he treated me. He talked to me with nothing but love. I’ve received no less from his beautiful wife and son and subsequently, my new, wonderful, sweet son-in-law. Honestly, all my children have treated me with honor and in love. I’m well aware of how uniquely blessed I am as a mom. My six children have always gotten along well, but now they're each other’s best friends. They’ve only gotten closer over the last six years. Because Steven is no longer with us, there’s an enormous hole in all of us. No matter what we’re doing, no one says it, but we all know and are keenly aware that something huge is, and always will be, missing. I, for one, cannot dwell on images or look at photos of him to this day, or I find myself an emotional puddle. I have to block it out. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. This is what a family friend and witness to my son’s life wrote and had to say of him. “Why is it, some of the most powerful witnesses come out of a memorial service? I was humbled this past Friday, as I listened to people speak of an artist, woodworker, lover of Christ, humble, eclectic, funny, witty, kind, reverent, father, husband, son, brother - all and more by the age of 25. We should all live our lives as this young man, so we too can be witnesses at our own memorial service.” I’ve always loved this and think my son truly lived this way and would have been humbled by these lovely words. That being said, God has taken me on a journey I could never have dreamed of, even in my wildest imagination. He knew I was wallowing in death and darkness, but this was not His plan for me. I was always one of those people who tried not to break the rules. I never saw the benefit. “Don’t cause trouble,” I would often tell myself. I think this mindset has a lot to do with the way I was raised and having to take care of my three younger sisters from a young age. I didn’t do drugs, drink alcohol, swear, get piercings or tattoos, wasn't promiscuous and always went to church. I was a great daughter. I was obedient and didn’t question authority. Now, I question everything and ask myself, “If not now, when?” I ponder, meditate, and pray over things I took for granted. Because of what I’ve come to know of my God over the last 6 years, I’m far less judgmental and much more open-minded, accepting, and loving than I once was. I recognize this in myself, which is in itself a miracle. God can and will “uncondition” anyone, at will. Humbly, I do say, I was always pretty tender-hearted and compassionate. However, He did give me three words to remove from my character early on: obstinate, defiant and rebellious. The process of letting go was so gradual, I don’t even know when I changed, but I did. This gradual transformation was in preparation for what was about to begin on my very first chemo day.
Nicki: Well thank you for sharing this, telling us more about yourself. How are you doing? How’s your voice?
Donna: I think it’s good. I think it’s great.
Nicki: Ok, well, I was going to move on to the next question about your chemo days, if that’s ok.
Donna: Sure. That’s great.
Nicki: What have your chemo days been like, past and present?
Donna: I look back at my chemo days and laugh at myself. For my first chemo day, I brought with me a bag filled with essentials to fill the time: my blanket, movies, mini tv, books, chargers, journal, food, and a drink. Nothing made it out of my bag. As soon as my labs were okayed and my chemo drip began, I was on an adventure God planned for me, or rather gifted for me. I immediately began experiencing something like a hallucination. I had no idea what was happening. This was unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. All my senses became heightened. I felt I had control over little to nothing. I was shown images and visuals. I had conversations with God, family, people who had passed, and animals. At the beginning of each of my journeys on chemo days, I questioned the soundness and the truth of it all. It just wasn’t logical to me. Why was this happening? There had to be hallucinogens in my drip, surely. Once my nurses and doctor confirmed the absence of hallucinogens, I knew without doubt this was something God was choosing to do for me. Not only was I going to be shown life lessons on each chemo day, but I was also going to see that I still had value and that God would still use me, even in my horrible brokenness. Joy was going to fill me up, and I knew it from the very first day. I was going to see myself and love my life, maybe for the very first time. This was definitely intentional on God’s part. Can’t you just feel the love about to happen here? I wish I could draw the images I was shown on these days. I wish I could accurately express the lessons I was given about God, life, my life, people, and my cancer. It was frustrating not being able to express, in words, what I experienced during my chemo sessions. I was disappointed with myself for not being able to fully remember what I experienced each time. What I failed to recognize early on was that everything was happening just as it was supposed to happen. It was the exact intent. I actually could remember, but I couldn’t for the life of me express it in words. This was God’s exact intent also. This was for me. This was my path to walk. I prayed every week that He would meet me in that infusion room, but also that I wouldn’t expect it, wouldn’t take it for granted. But I knew God was at work here, and I looked for it. I feel thankful and blessed and ready for whatever He planned for me.
Transition Music
Second Segment
Donna: I’d like to back up a bit and address some possible questions. I’m sure you're wondering about the physical pain I’ve endured due to chemo for 4 years. This is another miracle area in which I feel God blessed me. As you heard in my previous statements, I was in a very bad, dark, hopeless place. On chemo day, lying in that infusion chair, hooked up to drip bags and IV’s, God had me right where He wanted me. He had my full attention, and I surrendered. I am a very easily distracted person. Having 6 children, there was always a spinning rolodex of issues being attended to in my brain. He gave me those treasures, and I tried so very hard not to drop the ball. Pain would indeed have been a distraction. Unlike most chemo patients I’ve spoken to, I had absolutely no pain. I feel it was truly a miracle that I was blessed without distraction on my chemo days, as I was taught the life lessons He had in store for me. If I had experienced physical pain, without doubt, I would have been focusing on those feelings and the uncomfortable. I would have been looking at the clock and asking for relief. There is no possible way I could have diverted my attention. I would have made myself mentally miserable. God knows us so well. This little sparrow could have left this planet not knowing the bigness of this beautiful God. Four things happened in March 2020, in the very same week. I haven't processed it all out yet. It seems obvious, but nothing ever is if it's a life lesson. First of all, the quarantine was put in place and that part of our lives, for all of us, began to change every week. Secondly, I was put on a more aggressive cancer treatment, as what I was taking was no longer working. My cancer numbers were rising. Thirdly, as usual, I asked God to meet me on a typical chemo day, but He, very clearly, said no. And fourthly, pain began. Was all of this a coincidence? I think not. He is showing me I don’t need my chemo days to have intimate, loving encounters with Him. Pain is brutal, but He can give you control over your mind. I’m not going to say that you can have happy thoughts and your pain will go away. Physical pain can definitely overtake your mental state. For me, it's been a matter of my will. I know my time here is quite limited, and it's all God’s will. I’m completely aware that God’s will supersedes my will. That doesn't mean He doesn't let me toy with the idea. Everyday I live, I learn more about myself and more of Him. Clearly, it's all always His will. I will fight in and with this body, till my last breath. I’ll be ever so grateful to have had these life lessons, moments with God, and joy in the living and serving here.
Nicki: That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with us.
Donna: Thank you. My pleasure.
Nicki: Well I often think back to the day a couple years ago when you came over to our house and you shared about your chemo experiences. And you said something to the effect of, “We make things so complicated, but it’s actually simple. God wants us to love. It all comes down to love.” So, did you always know this in the way that you know it now, and how has your life changed since your first chemo day and God revealing this to you?
Donna: After having dozens of these beautiful experiences on my chemo days, I would go home and hardly be able to think of anything else. I would be mentally dissecting them for days. Some would process out in a day, some would take weeks, and some I’m still gleaning epiphanies from. Something might process out in the middle of ice skating with my grandson. I just never know. What I do know is that when this all started, I was looking for the profound, the fantastical, the utterly earthly amazing. After all, this is God we’re talking about here. I’ve learned over these last 6 years the God I was taught about for 5+ decades was not the God I’ve come to know. I and thousands of others had and have God in a box; this is who He is, this is what He does, et cetera. He is so much more. He’s so much bigger. Perhaps it was intentional centuries ago. Perhaps it was fear. Perhaps something did or can’t happen because it wasn't personally experienced by someone in authority. Well, it was about a year into it when I realized the utter simplicity of my story. Every single last line of every lesson ended with the word love. Some of my days, images, and lessons were harsh, but it all came down to loving well. What a simple, uncomplicated little word. If all of our human flaws and weaknesses in character could be traded out for a selfless, loving heart, this planet, this life, this world would change.
Nicki: Yes, I love how you brought that up about having Godde in a box and thinking that we know who God is and what God does but how God is just more and God’s bigger than the boxes that we’ve tried to contain God in, so thank you for sharing about that. In what ways do we get distracted and make things complicated and how can we stop making things so complicated?
Donna: On the topic of distractions, I believe when our eyes are not on Him, it becomes so easy to get pulled toward the unnecessary, trivial, and unimportant things in life. We do it to ourselves. We get caught up in our needs and our wants. We develop an agenda for our days and our lives. It easily slides into a matter of pride. Pride is an ugly, useless distraction. It can ruin a childhood, a marriage, a career, a nation. Be careful about what distracts you. You might want to give this some thought. Are your distractions even your own, or have you been led there? Assess your own mind and heart. That’s all I’m going to say on this.
Nicki: What advice do you have for Christians who are resistant to the truth that God calls us to love but we make things complicated?
Donna: We, in our prideful existence, think we have to and can fix things. We complicate everything, even the simplest of things. None of this is a surprise to God. He is Love and that's all He asks us to do. Even with the 10 commandments, every one of them comes down to love. Get out of your own head. Realize you are ever so small in this big place and that's good enough for God. He made you perfectly. You are enough, and He couldn't love you more. Set yourself up for success. Love well and intentionally, and you're on your way.
Transition Music
Third Segment
Nicki: Could you tell the stories behind your tattoos?
Donna: There’s something quite uncharacteristic about me now. I have arms full of tattoos. This was just so not me. I never had a tattoo before I was 58 years old. Well, I told you I was very easily distracted, and never more than by my own thoughts. For quite some time, and still, I need to focus on the story God gave me of my own life and be forever thankful. When you're in pain or have unnecessary thoughts, you're likely to sway or forget to count it all joy. I wanted and needed reminders. Hence, the tattoos. I didn’t get them willy-nilly. I wrote about them first. They tell my story. In case you’re interested, here are their meanings. My pine cone and evergreen needles tattoo: The needles of the evergreen symbolize the process of becoming a new, now awake human. The fact that I was so guarded and safe, but now seeing that none of it mattered. It was all meaningful and yet didn’t matter at all. It was all going to happen the way God was going to have it happen. It was out of my control, for the good of me. The needles have a thicker outer coating for protection. They’ve met with some harsh conditions, yet survived because of God-given protection and grace. The cone itself is a representation of human enlightenment and spiritual consciousness. The pine cone produces plants, seeds. How am I pollinating the world? How do I contribute to further love, acceptance, and grace to the people around me? The pine cone is a symbol of growth. All the parts are there to create new life, but since it hasn’t yet taken root, it is still purely potential. It, the spiral, is a symbol of the spiritual center, God. A closed up pine cone is a sleeping human. An open scaled pine cone symbolizes awakenness. Even the shape of the pine cone, the big to small form, making more of Him and less of me, and the layering of the pine cone is a metaphor of my life. The God of the universe has been sending me a message all along. I just looked around my surroundings and noticed that I have pine cones all around my house. I have for quite some time longed to be used to awaken consciousness in people and reconnect them with their true nature, what God truly wants them to be sharing and doing with their lives. When folks come to the point in their lives that they can say, “Jesus lives in me,” it would be beautiful if they could really embrace the magnitude and simplicity of the revelation within themselves. God is love. Love gives us hope. Sometimes hope is all that folks think they have left to hold onto. God is Love. Love is Hope. Therefore God is the Hope and the Love we’re all looking for and holding on to. My twin flower tattoo: These flowers, choosing to grow right beside each other. They’ve grown from one solid stem and branched off separately, but growing, thriving beside each other throughout the duration of its beauty and life. My forever friend and I got these matching tattoos together. They represent our lives separately and together forever, joined in beauty, life, and love. We both love each other unconditionally. We both have beautiful, loving families, and we've been in the thick of life together, for each other, for decades. We’ve experienced much together, so similar, but just different enough to afford each other’s shared wisdom. The hills and valleys of life worked out perfectly for our sweet, God-given friendship. It didn’t just happen. We worked at it, and it grew over the years. We cared, we loved, we made the effort. We both know we have each other's constant support and prayers. We usually have not lived in close proximity to each other, but when we’re together, it's much more appreciated. I adore her and will forever be grateful for the gift of this sweet, loving human. My lotus tattoo: Like the lotus flower, I too had the ability to bloom out of the ashes, out of the darkness I thought I owned in my life. We are born in suffering. It’s a vital part of the human experience. It makes us stronger and helps us resist the temptation of evil. I was able to embrace the joy with which God was covering me and banish the darkness I was wallowing in. I was this blooming lotus, rising above itself, hovering, looking down on my own brokenness through ashes, my own darkness. I was free. I love my beautiful life. Thank you Jesus. My sunflower tattoo: My son Steven drew the image of my sunflower tattoo in one of his textbooks, never imagining this beautiful tattoo would grace my arm. I treasure it. It represents a moment, a thought in his mind. I embrace it with my whole, but broken heart and happily, lovingly, humbly honor him. Sunflowers represent worship and faithfulness. It resembles the sun, which is associated with spiritual knowledge and the desire to seek truth and light. As it awakens for the day, following the light of the sun, I imagine it wishing good health upon people. I chose to say a prayer blessing as I pass by a child. I imagine it choosing to rise and follow the light rather than staying bowed in the shadows or the darkness. The stem is strong. The blooms turn to face the sun. It has a long life, lasting till the very end of the season. I am many things, among them a sunflower. My clover tattoo: This is spoken by my daughter Kailagh. “I did it! I found a four-leaf clover. This was definitely a practice in determination. So many times I thought I would give up but just decided that I wanted to be a person that follows through and accomplishes goals. So I just continued searching and found one. Took me about 8 minutes. What's your time? You have till May 17th, St. Patrick's Day, to respond to say that you've beaten my time. Also, I may do it again to break your new time. Winner is the current first place holder on St. Patrick's Day and first to respond that day. We are all so busy, but this is a challenge to enjoy, 10ish minutes of nature and peace, remember what it feels like to be a kid. Yes, I will definitely win this, but I’m excited for this. And this is my response to her. “I found it in 45 seconds, and it's actually a 6 leaf clover.” In front of her I found it, as she was watching. I would go on to find 3 more 6 leaf clovers in the next few weeks. It would end up encouraging me to get my 6 leaf clover tattoo.
Nicki: Wow.
Donna: My tree tattoo: This tree has developed roots, but it’s not planted. Any of us, my children and I, are at the ready and would move to a new environment at any time, wherever God should take us. Growing and thriving from almost nothing, and to us, nothing was Steven’s death. We felt like nothing. Its broken branch represents my beautiful 25-year-old son. Its beautiful, healthy green leaves represent my grandchildren, continuing to replenish what’s been started and continues to grow. Its branches represent my children, standing firm and strong no matter what direction. They are my life on earth. They are why the tree thrives at all. Parts of the tree are dark, weathered, times of brokenness. The bird represents me, almost off the broken branch, but tied still and forever. So much possibility and hope are left in the trying to regain, to strengthen, to form more leaves and life. All can be torn away from it, but something of them always remains in the tree, somewhere. Even if it crumbles from weather or destruction, its pieces are airborne in the universe forever. Tiny twigs of lives hooked on, where they all had something to do with the rest. Most of the branches are all bigger and more powerful and more useful than the broken branch and the bird now. The reality of the broken branch is that it's much more relevant and more significant now than ever. Much has gone from it, but much more remains. God used his life and his leaving us to pour into us what was necessary to be light and truth on this planet. His leaving us so abruptly was no surprise to God. As a mom, knowing that doesn’t heal my shattered, broken heart. I long for one more earthly hug and endless conversations. It does, however, give me clarity, and I chose to trust the hands of God. The fact that I can look at this tree on my arm and see my story unfold lets me have glimpses of the future, in those tiny green leaves. My Unalome tattoo: This symbol is a Unalome, a representation of a journey. The path starts in the center of the spiral, and as you continue up or down this path you are wandering, becoming more conscious of your surroundings. When you reach the top of the symbol, the straight line, you have reached the end of the journey. Everyone’s path is full of twists and turns. Life isn’t just one straight line. My Unalome also represents me, doing life with 6 children, each having 2 feet firmly planted on the earth and leaving only 5 of my children here, on this level, as I begin my journey of leaving. It was a devastating blow to the only reality I was willing to embrace, as were many of the unexpected turns of my life. But that's the point. I had expectations. I’ve come to know over the last 6 years that dreams and expectations are not all the same. Dreams, you hope and long to come true. Expectations, you know will come true. I had no right to assume what I expected to be my reality would be my reality. None of us do. Never have expectations. God has a plan for our lives, known long before we live it. I needed all the twists and turns He intended for me, all the brokenness, the fun, the loneliness, betrayal, happiness, all the life lessons. I’m near the end of my journey now. I’ve lived 61 years, but it took me nearly all of them to finally come close to “getting it.” I know full well it was intentional. A friend of mine mentioned how much this image represents the inside of a light bulb. I think that's quite a metaphor for the work that went on inside of my being.
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Fourth Segment
Donna: My breathe tattoo: I’d like to tell you the story about Steven coming up alongside me during infusion today. You’re going to have to use your imagination a bit to come close to envisioning this. I was shown a large, see-through, glass tinker toy type object. It was suspended in front of me. Lit up colorful streaks of light were passing through it very quickly. It was in constant motion, reshaping and bending at its junctions. I knew this was parallel to me living and breathing, existing. God was impressing on me that there would be no negative consequence to this image if I stopped breathing, not good, not bad, so I made a choice to not breathe. The object immediately stopped moving. Life, I’m tired, I’m running out of use, I made little difference, I’m done. In reality, I truly believe I may have actually stopped breathing in my infusion chair, but it all happened so fast that it went unnoticed. As I was not breathing, Steven came beside me. He said, “No Mom, you have this all wrong.” We rose higher, and he asked me to look down on my life. I saw everything from beginning to present. I couldn’t see the point, or I was deliberately in denial. Steven wouldn’t let up. He was determined that I would see what was necessary. God wanted me to see the value of why I was on this planet, what I did with my life, and the people I affected in any way, that I mattered, that I wasn’t done. Steven said, “You can breathe, if you choose to.” I immediately started breathing and once again got a glimpse of the moving object. Steven was gone, my eyes were open, and I was awake. I was totally exhausted and felt so emotional. I had so much going on in my head. My heart was racing. I just wanted to go home, lie down, and revisit my day in my mind till I fell asleep. This is where my first tattoo came from. Could you even imagine having an experience like this? It didn’t feel like a dream. It totally felt like this literally happened to me. I totally believe it did.
Nicki: Oh Ms. Donna, thank you so much for sharing about your tattoos, and I’ll be able to have the pictures of those on my Broadening the Narrative blog for people to be able to see and also include them with the post about this episode. And your daughter Kailagh is working on a blog for you, so I’ll be able to put your blog into the show notes for this episode so that people can go read more about your story in addition to what you’ve so kindly shared here. What is your hope for others as the narrative is broadened surrounding Godde’s call for us to love?
Donna: I hope you enjoy and see the possibilities for God’s work in your life as well.
Nicki: What is one action listeners can commit to in order to bring your hope to fruition?
Donna: My story is your story. We are all intricately connected. I ask you all to consider, when you hear of God’s doing something fantastical in someone’s life, be open-minded, give them grace, know God can do anything, and be happy for them. When you really give it some thought, what do you really have in life, if you choose, never goes away? Life can beat us down, even if we’re the most faithful of servants, of believers, of enthusiastic humans. Why do we choose to put two feet on the floor every morning and do another day? Simple. We have hope. I’m laughably and humbly one of the most perpetually hopeful people I’ve ever encountered. This isn't just the last 6 years. I’ve always been this way. I, for decades, thought everyone was this way because I never thought to look for contrast. My life has been messy, challenging, and quite sad sometimes, as most folks also experience. I never didn’t have hope. I didn’t know it when I was a little girl, but my hope was in Christ. He would always see me through and bring me to a safe place, a place that I could find rest. I see this as my comforting thought as I come to the end of my days here, that He’ll be taking me to a safe place, a place that I find rest.
Nicki: I’m so grateful for you opening up on the show today, for sharing your experiences with us, and I’m just grateful for you and the steady love you have shown to me and my family. So thank you, Ms. Donna.
Donna: Thank you very much. It’s been truly an honor to know you and your family and to tell my story today. Thank you.
Transition Music
Closing: I want to thank Sequana Murray for the voice clip she sent to me for the episode intro. You can purchase her music on Bandcamp at bandy17.bandcamp.com. Her music is available on most streaming services under the name Bandy. I also want to thank Jordan Lukens for his help with editing and Danielle Bolin for creating the episode graphic. Please subscribe and review the show, but only if you’re planning on leaving a 5-star review. Otherwise, you can just skip this part. You can access the Broadening the Narrative blog by visiting broadeningthenarrative.blogspot.com, and you can find the Broadening the Narrative page on Instagram by searching for @broadeningthenarrative and on Twitter by searching for @broadnarrative. I hope that if you know and love me you can engage with the Broadening the Narrative blog, social media accounts, and podcast, as well as any recommended resources. Then, you can share with people who know and love you, and little by little, person by person, we can broaden the narrative. Grace and peace, friends.
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