Let's Put an End to the Rumors: Why I'm Not in Church

Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes

I’ve heard many a rumor through the grapevine regarding my departure from the church as an institution. There are some people who, for whatever reason, have not spoken to me directly but think they know. And then there are those who know partial details or the full story but who still somehow walk away from the conversation without completely grasping the gravity of what I experienced.

I will briefly respond to the most common rumors that have circulated past my ears.

Claim: There was disagreement over social justice issues.

This is not the reason for my departure.

Claim: There was disagreement over gender roles.  
This is not the reason for my departure.

Claim: There was disagreement over theological interpretations. 
This is not the reason for my departure.

Claim: There were certain preferences not being met by the church.
This is not the reason for my departure.

Claim: I didn't give things enough time.
After the initial meeting where I was sinned against, I requested a follow-up meeting several times. It took 6 months for this second meeting to take place. Prior to the initial meeting and in the 6 month span, multiple emails were sent, a couple that were never responded to. During the follow-up meeting, the leader made it clear that, in the opinion of this leader, there was no sin against me, though there was in the initial meeting and in the follow-up meeting as harsh accusations were hurled at me and malicious intent was assigned to me. There was literally nothing else I could do, especially knowing how loyal the followers of this leader are.

Claim: By the time I met with leadership, I already had my mind made up to leave.
This is not true.

So, why did I leave a particular church? I left that particular church because I was spiritually abused by the main leader who used the position and the power that came with it to silence me into not bringing up sin that had been committed against me. There was a persistent unwillingness to admit wrongdoing, not just against me but against numerous other people. When this person was confronted and graciously called to repentance, there was gaslighting, dismissal, denial, distraction techniques, additional harsh accusations against me, defensiveness, and a diminishing of the harm done by this person. The level of pride and lack of empathy from this leader communicated to me that I could not trust this person and could no longer submit to the leadership of this person.

The words of Diane Langberg, PhD, on Twitter have helped me tremendously in my healing.

On November 13th, she tweeted, “It is always the responsibility of the shepherd or the one with power to maintain the integrity of the relationship. Always.”

On November 15th, she tweeted, “We must never assume that someone who is gifted verbally and has theological knowledge is spiritually wise and mature. Sometimes that leader is a well-disguised narcissist, working the system and the people in it to feed himself.”

Also on November 15th, she tweeted, “Both the narcissist leader and others around him believe that if he/she fails the whole system will go down. The leaders and followers in that system end up serving the system rather than God which means we are subservient to the system rather than the God of the system.”

And on November 16th, she tweeted, “When allegations of abuse arise, particularly about a leader, many believe truth will ‘hurt’ the church and so sin is excused, covered up, or given an innocuous name. Such actions protect the institution, not the name or true body of Christ.”

Many people who know this leader and who don’t, have made excuses for the behavior by saying things like, “We all sin,” or they put the blame on me for putting this leader on a pedestal. I agree that we all hurt one another. I just expect for brothers and sisters to be able to humbly admit it when we do. And while I may have idolized this leader, that doesn’t absolve the leader of the responsibility to acknowledge the sin against me and repair the damage done. As I explicitly stated to this leader, “You broke trust with me and have done little to nothing to acknowledge this and repair the trust, so I cannot submit to your leadership anymore.”

I have also heard numerous people ask the wrong questions in light of people leaving the church. For example, questions like, “Do you think the church is going to shut down?”, “Are you going to go to ________ Church?”, and “Are you mad at me?” are unhelpful questions that do not get to the root of any problems and that fail to care for the hurting sheep. Much more beneficial questions to consider are, “How are you doing spiritually?”, “Is there anything that could have been done differently?”, and “In what ways can I support you even if we aren’t part of the same local church?” Ask these questions and empathize with those speaking about their pain.

Though my dignity was restored at another church, a recent incident indicated that my situation is beyond the scope of many church folk, so I have not attended church as an institution since September. Through house church type gatherings hosted in our home several Sundays, weekly therapy, and a few meaningful relationships, I have not been isolated these past few months. There is not one way of abiding in Christ, and everyone’s journey with Jesus looks different. I am full of hope as I heal.

If you have further questions, you can certainly reach out to me, though I cannot guarantee I will feel safe responding to your inquiries. I must exercise wisdom to know if I can trust the people who want to know my story because no one is entitled to know.

Grace and peace.

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